Max und Moritz – Fünfter Streich

Uncles can be a real pain,
But before you diss them, think again!
Be nice and kind, you never know,
They might leave you something when they go.
Good morning, unk, it’s best to say,
Any errands for me today?
Then bring him all the usual stuff,
The morning rag, his box of snuff.
Sympathise with his aches and pains:
Heartburn, haemorrhoids, chilblains,
Do what you can to ease his lot,
Run him a bath, squeeze out a spot.
If a head cold makes him sneeze,
Say: “Bless you!” and cover up his knees.
“Thank you,” he’ll say, “how very kind!”
(Such virtue lives on in the mind.)
And if he comes home late at night,
Hang up his coat, turn on the light,
Fetch him his slippers and dressing gown,
Pull up a chair and sit him down.
In general, such favours, tried and tested,
Are a case of effort well invested.
But our two budding hoodlums
Cared little for such stratagems.
Just imagine what they did
To poor, unsuspecting Uncle Sid!

Though slow and harmless (more or less),
June bugs get a lousy press.
The very sight of them appals,
Scuttling along the garden walls.

Mack and Morrie, for their ends,
Collected twenty specimens.

They stuffed them in a paper bag
And took them round to Uncle’s pad.

There they’re put without delay
Into Uncle Sid’s duvet.

Soon Uncle Sid repairs to bed,
Tucks himself in, lays down his head,

Closes his eyes and soon is deep
In hoggish slumber, fast asleep.

But the beetles, sorely riled,
Are on the rampage, running wild!

They all come swarming from the quilt,
And one crawls up Uncle’s nose, full tilt.

Aarghh! he cries, what is this, ugh!
In his hands a monstrous bug!

Uncle Sid, racked by distaste,
Leaps out of bed in panic haste.

But the retreat’s to no avail,
His nightshirt’s bugged from neck to tail.

From every corner still they come,
Filling the air with swell and hum.

Uncle Sid, with grim panache,
Swats and stamps them to a hash.

“There, you vermin!” he rejoices,
“That’s put an end to your devices!”

Soon Uncle’s snores are all we mark
And the night is still and dark.